The events of the past week have brought me to the realization that a significant part of parenting is made up of a series of moments of letting go. Letting that rope out a tiny bit more with each major milestone.
Our first major milestone this week was Thomas' first day of kindergarten. All week everyone who hears that we had this big moment this week first asks how I'm doing. The truth is, I'm great! Thomas was so excited and so ready for this major transition that it wiped away any anxiety or sadness I might have had. He has been counting down until this day since August 1st, could hardly get to sleep the night before, was up at 5:30 a.m. and had his backpack on and was ready to walk out the door a good 45 minutes before the bus was even scheduled to arrive. Given the incredible build up from kindergarten round up, summer school and back to school night, there was no holding this kid back! It made for such an exciting, happy morning - no tears, no anxiety, no bittersweet feelings - all was rosy! I can't wait for all of his school firsts - first skating party, classroom parties, PTA events, and even those first tests and school projects.
The only tears of the morning actually came from little brother Andrew who was devastated that he couldn't ride the bus with Thomas or stay with him at his new school. "Thomas is leaving without us!!" he wailed as we walked back to our house from the bus stop. I guess this is the sentiment most parents of kindergartners would be feeling, Andrew was just vocalizing it for me. "He's growing up, buddy," I said and tried to explain that when he turned 6, he would get to go to kindergarten, too. I also explained that Madeline will be going to his school in just a couple of weeks and he would get to be the big brother and watch out for her. Even though he didn't respond to that, he was in a much better mood by the time he got to his preschool.
And the report after the first day? "That was awesome!" as he climbed down from the bus. He got to make play-doh that "smelled like jelly," made a new friend, Brooke, saw his buddy from t-ball on the playground and won a race around the track (though someone he said cheated because they ran on the grass), and learned that the monkey bars were off-limits to the kindergartners (though he is already an expert at them).
And the report after the first day? "That was awesome!" as he climbed down from the bus. He got to make play-doh that "smelled like jelly," made a new friend, Brooke, saw his buddy from t-ball on the playground and won a race around the track (though someone he said cheated because they ran on the grass), and learned that the monkey bars were off-limits to the kindergartners (though he is already an expert at them).
This is also the point in my maternity leave that becomes very bittersweet. Madeline has just started to become more animated, playful and interactive but I know that in just a couple of weeks, I'm going to have to leave her at the daycare for the majority of the day and go back to work. That's the bitter.
The sweet part is that I'm actually looking forward to being back at the office, the excitement that comes with being part of a team, thinking strategically about how to best communicate with everyone that needs to know what we're doing. I attended a planning meeting for an upcoming event last week and it felt so empowering and energizing to be there, solving problems and thinking about something besides feeding schedules, diapers and entertaining a 5 year-old.
There is some added anxiety this time around, too, being that I'm taking Madeline to a daycare center, rather than an in-home daycare provider. It was easier, I think, to take the boys to someone's home where the environment wasn't all that different from where they had spent the first few months of their lives. Going from home to a place with bright lights, other babies, new smells, on top of strangers now feeding, diapering, holding and caring for you has to be a major shock to a 3-month-old. It's heartbreaking to think about, but it brings me back to my first thought - it's all part of the letting go process. Working moms just have to face it a little sooner than those who choose to, or are fortunate enought to, stay home full time.
From the time I gave birth to Madeline, our relationship has been a series of moments of separation. From having her inside of me to now being a separate person, whisked away for her first bath in the nursery just moments after birth, to putting her in her crib for the first time and sleeping outside of our room. Even letting Christopher feed her from a bottle required me to let go of my role as the sole provider of food for her, even if it was for just one feeding. And I know that there will be even more of these little moments to come.
My good friend Jill told me a story yesterday about missing the first time her daughter rolled over. She's a stay-at-home mom and is with her daughter nearly 24-7. She took her to a friend's house and after putting her down on the floor to play, ran to use the bathroom. When she came back, her daughter (just four weeks older than Madeline) was on her stomach. I laughed when she told me this, and said that she needed to share that with every working mom she meets. She agreed saying, "That's right, you can miss those little milestones whether you're at work, or just in the bathroom." Luckily, she witnessed her daughter's new trick several more times that night and knows that another milestone will soon replace it as our little babies are growing up right before our eyes.
